A SCIENTIFIC INQUIRY INTO THE EXISTENCE OF THE RARE FORCE “UNOBTAINUM”
A white paper
I have discovered the rare force “Unobtainum.” My white paper documenting the existence of Unobtainum, will be made available to the lay public at the Fourth Annual Meeting of the International Royal Astronomic, Physical and Rare Force Symposium to be held on March 16th, 2013, at Motel Eight, conference room B, just off exit 2, US Route 84, Brewster, New York.
There had been a rumor that I would release my findings in time for the meeting last year. Because of that rumor, last year’s attendance at the symposium was one hundred percent greater than the previous year. Alas, I was stricken with the rare medical disorder, ED, and was unable to complete my research in time for that meeting. My apologies if you were among the two people in attendance. By attending this year, you will have access to this long awaited white paper. Book now, space is limited.
My quest for the discovery of the rare force “Unobtainum” began when I was fifteen-years-old. At that time, the lay public were very aware of the existence of “Unobtainum”, but the scientific community were unable to prove its existence and steadfastly stuck to their position that “Unobtainum” did not exist.
My interest in discovering the properties of “Unobtainum” arrived simultaneously with my observation of a young woman named Julia. In science class, Julia sat one row ahead of me and two places to the right. She wore a form-fitting beige sweater, a pleated tartan skirt, tan socks with lacy embroidery around the top, and brown saddle shoes. Julia was unobtainable to me, but she seemed to be obtainable to the senior class star quarterback. Therefore, some force must be in existence which prevented me from obtaining access to her. I was determined to find the existence of this force and gain control of its magical properties. Science would prevail! I was hot (literally) on the case. Nothing would prevent me from making this conquest, or discovery, as I personally referred to the process.
My scientific inquiry would lead me to understand that “Unobtainum” was emitted from a location on a female body. I knew this from being able to study scientific journals with names like Esquire and Playboy. These journals were not readily available to younger scientists like myself, for it seemed that the adult scientific community did not want a young scientist like me to be able to prove the existence of “Unobtainum”. However, I was able to gain access to these scientific journals when the lady who guarded the magazine section at the news agency would go outside for a smoke.
At the time, I was unaware that I was in possession of a scientific instrument which responded when in the proximity of the elusive force. Initially, I used this instrument for my own amusement, still unaware of its true purpose. In a stroke of rare scientific insight, I was able to connect the reaction of my scientific instrument to the proximity of Julia. Since Julia was unobtainable to me, but obtainable to the star quarterback, it stood to reason that “Unobtainum” could switch states to Obtainum if certain circumstances prevailed.
I needed to know what those circumstances were and how to use them to create the state of Obtainum.
I was constantly manipulating my meter trying to refine its reaction to Julia. I found that my meter was prone to erratic behavior. Many sets of unrelated circumstances could trigger a false indication on the meter. As an example, during English class, warm sunlight coming through the classroom window would cause the indicator on the meter to rise to the up position. Or just walking down the crowded school hallway and catching the scent of the female students caused the same reaction. Yet, in the presence of Julia, the meter went off scale.
Julia remained unobtainable to me, and my research did not go any farther until later in my career when I was able to compare my findings with another scientist. A woman scientist was conducting her own investigation into the properties of “Unobtainum”. She also had a meter, but it functioned in a different manner. In this case, the front of the meter became warm and turned a rosy red color. My meter was up, and her meter turned warm and rosy red. We simultaneously came, in more ways than one, to the conclusion that the force has male and female characteristics.
We concluded it was necessary to have our meters in close proximity many times in order to get a reliable statistical sample. Ah, science, what hard work. We spent most of our time conducting research under a variety of conditions and in different Venues.
The following are some of our findings:
The male force wishes to be in close proximity to the female force, and is not very discriminating in how that transpires. Once the male force is able to gain Obtainum, which can be a long, arduous process, this new state will only exist, on average, between two and eight minutes. Modern pharmaceuticals may lengthen the time spent, (spent is a scientific word that is frequently used in a different context), in the state of Obtainum, but with the caution that if the state lasts for more than four hours, medical intervention may be necessary.
The female force operates differently, converting to Obtainum in the presence of a male force exhibiting the following characteristics: Tall, physically handsome, articulate and wealthy. The female state of Obtainum lasts for many hours, which has the effect of exhausting the male force.
With the long scientific study coming to a climax, so to speak, I now feel ready to present this white paper to the lay public.
A disclaimer is in order:
Under no circumstances should the Lay Scientist conduct this research on their own without proper education. Serious consequences can arise out of the casual uses of the force. Male and Female forces joined together indiscriminately have been observed to produce mini Male and Female forces, which greatly impede the science.
Other than that, good luck on your research and, “May the Force be with you.”