Healing and Wellness

Because of my traumatic beginning's, I created Healing and Wellness to manage my own life. 

August 2020

"Place your hand over your heart, can you feel it? That is called purpose. You're alive for a reason so don't ever give up."Author unkown.



Kind of direct isn’t it? Well no sense dithering around, it is serious stuff and has got to be addressed for my sake, yours and everyone else’s.

I almost wrote that sentence as “for others sake and then myself.” There I go again putting myself last, as if the most important person in all of this world is not me. I am important, but for my own happiness, I have chosen to put others ahead of me, for then I have a purpose. A purpose of just my own life is not rewarding for me. I believe if other troubled people could have a life of purpose - they would be able to get better. Unfortunately, when a troubled person gets far enough into their own troubles to consider taking their lives, thinking of helping others is not an option. 

How did I get to this place?

On August 4th 2020, Daisy Colman took her life. She was twenty-three. RAINN, the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network, announced her passing in a release that had the usual trigger warning attached. I would not have read it, preferring to let that kind of news go by. News about suicide is too much for me, it is too close to home; for I consider taking my life frequently.

This statement had Daisy’s photograph attached to it. Daisy was a very good-looking young woman. Looking directly at the camera, she seemed so confident. Daisy was a modern gal, kind of counter-culture though, not my taste, too much tattoo and piercing.

According to Wikipedia, Daisy’s occupation was a tattoo artist. I have wondered if a counter-culture style is an act of rebellion. Would Daisy have been better off if she was around a different group of cohorts and friends?

In my observations of people who turn to a life of addiction or who act out against their past, they seem to call attention to themselves by adopting a style that demands attention. Excessive weight gain, hair coloring or counter-culture clothes, sexual indiscretion or the opposite, disappearing from view by having no style at all.

For survivors of sexual abuse, asking them to adopt a life of service or change the people they associate with is a lot to ask. Difficult, yes, but an important way for them to change their living environment to a healthy one. 

My problem with all this is, I know why. I know why she took her life. I know why because I instinctively understand what is going on in the minds of those who take their lives, because I know what is going on in my own mind. Sometimes it seems impossible to live with me. Suicide is a simple way to end my ‘mind trauma.’

All of us probably have a dark place in our minds. I am preprogramed to go to that dark place without forethought. Perhaps Daisy acquired that dark place as the result of her trauma or as a remnant from a dark place that may have been patterned into her gene pool.

After her beating and rape, Daisy was treated for PTSD through talk therapy and a relatively new therapy called EMDR, eye movement desensitization and reprocessing. I do not know if she was prescribed meds. According to the Wikipedia article, the family moved several times, apparently Daisy’s community was not helpful and the police and prosecutors made her situation worse by protecting the reputation of the families of the perpetrators.

For my purposes I don’t believe there is a simple fix, no therapy solution can end the result of my trauma, it may teach me how to live with the events of the past, but for me those events are not going away. By this time in my life, those memories should have gone away. I was lucky enough to have been in a family environment that moved every few years or every year sometimes, so I did not have to face any of my few friends or classmates. No one was familiar enough with me to form an opinion of my guilt or complicities in my abuse, a common thread running through the thinking of many survivors.

Many are surprised by the suicide of loved ones, the quotes I read are, “he/she seemed to be getting better, I called the night before and everything seemed okay.” This is true, once a person makes a decision to end their lives, they do seem better, because the decision has been made, there is no longer a struggle, the problem has been resolved.

I ask: if a survivor could know of the way their recovery may look like in advance - would that give them enough strength and perseverance to resist the urge to end their lives prematurely?

There is a man who survived his suicide attempt when he jumped from the Golden Gate Bridge. He gives public talks about his experience with attempted suicide. On the way down, Kevin Hines realized he did not want to end his life. He survived due to the fact he was young only 19 and in good physical condition. Still, the impact with the water caused a lot of physical damage to his body. It is said a Sea Lion kept him afloat by nudging him to stay on the surface. This is facinating for me because I believe it was a sign the Universe wants Kevin to live a life of service. He is now giving a life of service to many, including myself, by his willingness to share his story. I wonder if I had not made the effort to read about suicide and stumbled upon his story if I would be here today.

Those contemplating suicide sometimes get their house in order and make attempts at goodbyes. It is very difficult to help them when their plans get that far along. Caregivers would see recovery, not plans taking shape.

No amount of loving care seems to be enough for survivors. I am concerned for myself because I see that pattern within me. I have my financial life settled, I have a current will, in November of last year the kids visited, I chalked it up to coincidence, maybe it’s not. At least I am smart enough to know what I am doing. I have resources, friends, and something to do, I hope that is enough. I keep telling myself love is enough, if so, why do I not seem to feel the love?

Here is the answer to not enough love: I simply do not know how to feel enough love. I can give it, but I do not seem to be able to receive it fast enough to internalize love. If I concentrate on receiving love from the right people, I can beat this thing. Those people would have to know how I feel and what it is like to live this way. That would require that they know I am suicidal.

There is always more to every suicide. I don’t know if Daisy had any mental illness, or substance addiction. Her brother died a few months before her in a single car accident, she may have been very despondent. Her father was killed in a car accident in 2009. I have no idea what her relationship was with her mother.

I know from my case that if I had been able to feel the love given by loving, caring, responsible adults in my life, I may have never needed to write about suicide. My lack of feeling love was not anyone else’s fault. I was lucky though - despite a dysfunctional life living with my parents, I did have support from my sisters.

Daisy said she had forgiven her abusers. A special prosecutor was appointed only when Daisy’s case reached national attention and the perpetrators were then prosecuted and sentenced, but in my opinion, not strongly enough. I wonder if forgiveness is the correct answer? Perhaps being able to see justice can be done is enough and then walk away from the experience and let the abusers take the responsibility and the guilt.

Daisy’s strong streak of creativity allowed her to win a prize at one of the film festivals when she released a Netflix documentary called Audrie and Daisy. I have not mustered the needed resolve to view that documentary, which in turn, makes me feel my research is incomplete. With all that recovery and creativity, you might think Daisy could have found the answer in allowing life to be greater than death – it seems she had so much going for her and others.

Her passing greatly saddens me for if she couldn’t find the way, how can I? I am seventy-seven; perhaps living that long has allowed me to survive many disappointments and see that I have the needed resources to have a better outlook on just how precious life is.    

For me contemplating suicide is easy. I am convinced where I am going in the Universe is a better place for me than here in this earthly life. I would fly with Angel - if - if that is really true. The reality is my soul will go to the Universe with Angel’s help, but I may not be aware of that after I pass from my earthly body.

Would my death be important to the Universe? I am not sure I will know, which is why I am trying to explain my concepts and send them to the Universe - before I die. This is why I am writing these painful words, hoping to reach some other person suffering with the trauma of their past.

I believe my soul will retain some of the remnants of my Earthly life. The real work will not begin again until I reincarnate, even that will be shrouded in mystery. I am realistic about all this. I do not expect to meet the people from my past or live in the idyllic setting of the popular concept of heaven. Although it would be nice to see my parents and sisters again in some familiar setting.

Somehow, I have talked myself into believing whatever the place is like - I would be happier there than here.

What I see when I study this is - my contribution to you and others is best made right now, right here, in this spot, on Earth. I will make another contribution in a different way when I leave my earthly body for good. As easy as that statement is to make, it does nothing to relieve my anxiety about the hidden thoughts and images that dwell in the dark recesses of my mind. 

I can’t bear to tell you of what happened to Daisy as a young woman. You can look her up, then you will understand. If I had to write it out, I would get sick. It is bad enough writing this out.

Here is where the real healing for me will come: If I can separate me from the others who end their lives, I may be able to see that I have not gone down their paths, I do not need to go down those paths, and I don’t want to go down those paths. All I must accomplish is get to the point where I can say, I am not going down that path!

Because - my life is too valuable here for me, for you and for others.


January 1st 2019

The Universe: As I Know It

I have always known that I am different.

Quiet, attentive, creative, introspective, even as a child. As an adult, I live a normal life with family, friends and retirement from a full career in the financial world but, my being 'different' also forced me to search externally and internally for why I know 'things.' During my search I discovered answers that are factual, answers that cannot be proven, answers that may surprise you.

Through the years, I have been taught the Universe is measurable and can be understood through science. I no longer believe this premise. Science has not been able to explain how life started. So, I looked elsewhere for answers, answers I can believe and that will walk alongside my 'gift of understanding.'

Although I believe my mind is insufficiently developed to understand all, I am certain that everything in my seeable, knowable, and understandable Universe is interconnected. Many things that I can’t see, know, or understand are also connected.

The Universe seen and understood; the Universe not seen and not understood, are two different Universes. They coexist in a loose relationship, which causes great misunderstanding. I dwell in both of these Universes, simultaneously moving between them depending on my thoughts.

I have broken down my concept of this complete Universe, of the knowable and unknowable, into small pieces and assigned names to the pieces; considered together, they make sense of the whole for me.

First, for example, when I think a thought, or write words, stories, or express concepts, I disturb the status quo of my Universe, which was in a brief moment of completeness. Now my words have caused a Disturbance, which instantly reorders the complete Universe everywhere, immediately in time.

If a human has an unintentional 'bad' thought, does that thought create a Disturbance? Yes the Disturbance is out there at the moment the thought arises. The person who has the thought must deal with the fact that no thought is ever unintentional.

Personally, I take responsibility for everything that has happened to me in my life. I take responsibility for how I am responding to what is happening now, and to a significant degree how I will respond to what happens in my future. I take responsibility for my thinking, actions, and words, those I call Disturbances. I cause and react to the Disturbances simply as a product of being alive. My soul or spirit also causes Disturbances, some Disturbances were caused by my ancestors’ spirits before I was conceived. Disturbances are a change in the unseen, unknowable energy of the Universe.

A Disturbance immediately affects me, you, and every other thing in the Universe. A Disturbance also rearranges the past as I know it and creates changes in the future from then on, or until I create another Disturbance.  

Say for instance that an editor and I create stories together, we are creating a Mini-Universe. This Mini-Universe is within each of our larger Universes and influences them respectively, which, in turn, influences the world around us, affecting all the known cosmos.

Each little thing, within its own Universe, affects larger and larger Universes and one other missing link: the universe that you and I and science measures, resides within another Great Unknown Universe. 

The Great Unknown Universe   

I believe the universe you and I live in, including the Earth, planets, suns and galaxies, resides in another much larger Universe, which I call the Great Unknown Universe. This much larger Universe is immense in scale and operates within an entirely unique time frame, a time scale so different from what I know, I am unable to understand it. Other universes may also reside within the Great Unknown Universe. They may or may not be like ours.

The Great Unknown Universe is so foreign to me I am unable to comprehend it fully. I know it and I am convinced that it exists. I cannot measure it, I cannot understand its scale, depth, or time. I cannot understand its composition, except to have some vague memory that I was once there and came from that place. This Great Unknown Universe is the origin of all life here and in other universes that reside within it. When my life ends here in this universe, in my physical body, my spirit will rejoin the Great Unknown Universe, and be in the company of all those who made the round trip ahead of me. My spirit will also instruct The Great Unknown Universe and contribute to its increasing store of knowledge.

I come from a place, I bring remnants of my ancestors, bad and good remnants, I combine them with my earthly experiences, I cause new disturbances to the ones here, and then I leave and replenish the energy of the Great Unknown Universe.

The Great Unknown Universe conducts its communications with me and all other living things in this universe or other universes instantaneously through Angels. This concept goes back to the beginning of recorded history. Angels preceded any gods. Angels are the seeds of life, the Great Unknown Universe wishes to perpetuate. 

These Angels are not like the Angels we see or read about. They do not have a physical form, they are not representative of any living thing we may know about. I use the term 'Angels' to make this truth easier to comprehend.

How can a human being get an angel to communicate with them? Unless a person is in need of an Angel there will be no need to communicate. People who think they are not distressed don’t believe they need an Angel. Most people are distressed to one degree or another. They may prefer to deny they have distress. I am very troubled and I simply ask for an answer. This is called prayer. I have no formal way, I simply say, “Please help me with this.” The correct path unfolds before me.

Also, there is the issue of 'Angel,' my Angel, who supplies my guidance and intuition.

I believe my Angel belongs to the Great Unknown Universe, a Universe I am not capable of understanding, but I know intuitively exists. In many adults the knowledge of Angels gets suppressed by the development of their modern brains. The knowledge of Angels was never suppressed in my brain, which means I am in constant contact with Angels, and in that way the Great Unknown Universe itself. This causes a great deal of stress within me because I know it, but I do not know of others who profess the same logic, so I feel alone.

For me, the Great Unknown Universe has only one priority, to create and promote life. Humans are only one part of that plan. The Great Unknown Universe is not selective in the life it creates, life may or may not last in any one form. I call the Great Unknown Universe's priority, the Persistence of Life, which is primitive in nature and handed down to us from generation to generation.

Persistence of Life lives within my heart. Contrary to popular wisdom, my heart is the first to know changes in conditions of the world around me and make compensations for those changes according to a primitive program designed to keep me safe and allow the Persistence of Life a chance to continue on. Normally this scheme works very well, except in cases when my brain introduces variables in my response to the world around me and may set up conditions that are not in my self-preservation’s best interest.

When I rely too strongly on my thinking, it may be possible for me to get into a situation that is counter to my core understanding. My intuition is almost always correct. If my intuition is overridden by my thinking and my situation works out for the worst outcome, I will doubt my ability to think, and therefore create a great deal of confusion as to who I really am.

Only by understanding that the Great Unknown Universe communicates directly to me through Angels, can I form the conviction to follow my intuition.  

The Great Unknown Universe is comprised completely of energy. This energy acts on all the lesser universes within it. Not only are the lesser universes enveloped within the Great Unknown Universe, the energy of the Great Unknown Universe pervades itself into all the lesser universes.

I live in a field of this energy, not only is it around me, I am principally comprised of this energy. I am unable to measure this energy, but I know it exists because I am aware it acts upon me, and I act upon it.

When I create a Disturbance, I change this energy, and by doing so I change everything in the past, present and future and in this way, create my own life and destiny.

Even understanding that time is different in the Great Unknown Universe, how can a human's past can be rearranged?  No event is ever recalled the same way twice. Once the event is past, a diaphanous curtain envelopes it. My past is rearranged every time I try to recall it.

All other living things make changes in this energy. Their changes may counteract or reinforce my changes and influence the outcome of my intentions. In this way the outcome of my intentions changes and forces me to amend my intentions to keep me moving in the direction of my original intent. The stronger my resolve to accomplish my original intent is, the more likely I will eventually accomplish what I set out to do.

Other than to promote life, the Great Unknown Universe does not have a 'Grand Plan.' Instead it is up to me, and to you, and to every living thing to create the future by constantly reinforcing or amending our individual intentions.

I am here by accident. My belief is that there is no ultimate creator, just a propensity to create and maintain life emanating from some unknowable source. 

My arrival at this place and time was wrong, an accident of sorts. I know intuitively this statement is correct. Only when I doubt this fact of my intuition do I go wrong. To deny this creates great anxiousness within my heart.

My arrival was a Disturbance to the family who received me. My family was ill equipped to receive me and consequently I suffered the consequences of neglect and abuse.

But, the beautiful part of this concept is that it allows for a significant amount of forgiveness towards those who unwittingly caused my abuse. Forgiveness plays a key part in having an untroubled life. Forgiveness also allows me the luxury of loving the ones who, while I was in their care, caused my abuse.

However, it is time for me to leave that old world and take my rightful place in a world I am creating anew. 

If life originally started in something as simple as a one cell entity, then life would learn to move on to a more complicated plane as that one cell entity evolved. Therefore, I deduce I create a more sophisticated life as I change, as a way of responding to the changes in the status quo around me. This concept is what is alarming people about the creation of artificial intelligence. It is the fact we have control over the persistence of our life through the simple act of responding to it, or the way we respond to it.

During my conception, the genes from my ancestors, having already been imprinted with their surviving intentions, became my own intentions. I will always be aware of these intentions, bad or good, until my modern brain applies its own interpretation of what those intentions were to be.

I have intuition of what my original intentions were to be. My modern brain contrasts those intentions with what I see, learn and feel in the modern world around me and if they do not match up, I will have to make adjustments to how I want to proceed in order to not be in conflict with my original intentions.

My intuition tells me I am here to perpetuate the Great Unknown Universe's intention of creating and promoting life. To the extent I fulfill that mission, I am happy.  

December 2017

It wasn't all that bad.

"I have decided it wasn't all that bad."

"What do you mean? You have lived a life of nightmares, and you say it was not all that bad."

"I want to see it differently, that's all."

"I don't understand, why can't you see it for what is was? It was abuse, plain and simple."

 "I feel better when I see it as 'just the way life is', they weren't perfect but I loved them. I'd rather think about the good times, you know; there were some good times."

August 2017

Depression - Thinking my way out

It started a month ago. The slow steady slide down, the dull headache, the irritability, the constant need to fight off the inevitable. My hope is that it will be mild this time.

As the weeks went by I found myself losing interest in the world around me. I started drinking again, and masturbating, on the move to no-place-in-particular.  Attending meetings I don’t need or enjoy, driving around aimlessly trying to collect my thoughts and get my bearings, doing anything, anything to keep from going over the edge, over the edge like all the other times.

The work week has ended. I can’t organize my thinking; I can’t stay focused on the smallest task. It is late afternoon. The sun is going down; twilight shows through the bedroom window. I lie on the bed unable to sleep or be awake, I am in slow motion, a black and white picture show. I feel the slide down accelerating, eventually I will hit bottom. I just lie there and wait for it to happen.

My lover comes in to check on me and ask if I want dinner. My depression is alarming to her; she is confused about what is happening to me, she leaves me alone only looking in on me from time to time. It must be uncomfortable for her to be around me, her mate, lover, husband, a potential suicide case, someone slowly fading away from life. I give her as gentle of an answer I can muster, “I’m going to lie here and wait to feel better.”

I read that depression is the result of a chemical imbalance within the brain. There are many books on treating depression. It didn’t take me long to arrive at the conclusion, to get better I would have to change the chemical balance to my brain. I read it was possible to treat depression with medications and talking therapy and, most importantly, how I think could be the key in treating my dis-ease.

I opted not to seek treatment. Treatment would mean taking the risk of trusting some authority. Authorities hadn’t worked well for me in the past. I know now that my inability to understand my past abuse made it difficult for me to turn to others for help. I was taught to go it alone. I am a man; some of us are unable to ask for help even if our lives depend on it.

I couldn’t find the exact reason that made me depressed. All I knew was the condition of being depressed affected my sense of self-worth. Looking for the exact reason became unproductive. It is the same way with my need to know what happened to me at an early age. Knowing is not going to help, only doing something to improve each day will help. Everything I do and think is mine to accept or to change.


Angel swam down

And with her key

Released the lock 

That set me free


The answer of how I could cure my depressions is within that little piece of poetry.

Angel has always been in my life trying her hardest to guide me on my journey. She must have been terribly frustrated by my attempts to resist her. Angel is not like the demons, she does not seek to control me or influence me, her love for me is truly unconditional. All I need is to understand her presence and to heed the intuition she supplies to me.

Thirty years ago, during the last and most difficult episode of my depression, I lay in bed drowning under a sea of depressive illness. I had reached the ultimate bottom, even the means to kill myself had become too much to consider. I lay there hoping to die.

Angel appeared in my room. Her natural light shined through the sea of depression above me.

My mood began to lift when I saw her. I understood her love for me was more powerful than any of the demons in my nightmares. Never again would I be held hostage to depression. It was the brief lifting of my mood that allowed me to find my way to the surface. Her love for me supplied the buoyancy I needed to float upward. It took many hours for my mood to lift to the point where I could rise from my bed and function again.

I figured the act of thinking of Angel's love for me must have changed the chemistry in my brain. My positive thoughts created more positive thoughts, within a week I was feeling much better.


My nightmares have the same theme, Demons standing at the foot of my bed, the demons have been passive, my fear has been the impending doom the demons represent.

In my preteen years, my nightmares were specific. Those nightmares now form the basis for flashbacks.  

I make quick sketches of the nightmares the day after they happen. Those sketches convince me I am hiding the truth about my abuse. I see a connection to the abuse I suffered and references in my elaborate drawings and the stories I publish in the Chronicles.

Recently my nightmares migrated to a different theme. The theme of male rape. They migrated because of my past childhood unwanted sexual experiences.

“Child sexual abuse is a violation of power perpetrated by a person with more power over someone who is more vulnerable.” Allies in Healing Laura Davis HarperCollins e-books

To protect myself from the nightmares I have a ritual of invoking Angel’s help. Every night I ask Angel to protect me from nightmares. “Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the lord my soul to keep.” Is the child’s prayer.

The standard advice given to survivors is they can become well through the application of techniques developed for mitigating the occurrence of nightmares. That advice may not be accurate for every survivor.

July 2017



SI, SH, SU, CA and CSA are all the acronyms survivors use when they are participating in online chat rooms. For me, chat rooms within survivor sites are a safe place to learn about my disease of Child Abuse.   

I was getting desperate. I had stopped drinking, the alcohol was getting to my health, I had chronic stomach pains and acid reflux. I was masturbating daily, sometimes twice a day or more, I could not get relief from the constant thoughts of the abuse I endured when I was young. The daytime thoughts and flashbacks are one thing; equally bad are the nightmares, night terrors and general bad dreams, which interfere with a night’s sleep, a necessity for those survivors constantly locked in a battle between reason and the distorted thinking patterns, the result of exposure to long term trauma.

Survivors cope with their daily struggle in many ways. Cutting, drinking, drugs, gambling, sex, and other addictions are symptoms, symptoms of unresolved conflicts and trauma.

What are my unresolved conflicts? What was the trauma? The trauma revolves around the constant thoughts of betrayal, violence, unwanted sexual experiences, neglect and the general emotional upset caused by living with two deeply troubled adults.

Children who are abused at an early age are flooded with stress hormones. Those hormones affect the child’s brain development, they become highly stressed and have difficulty regulating their emotions. I am ripe for self-harm, anxiety, suicide and depression.

Early on, I developed brain patterns that have constantly interfered with my response to events of everyday life. I am unable to control those responses. They erupt without warning or forethought and never go away.

I consider cutting an alternative coping strategy. I have allowed my disease to get to the point where I would take such a risk to deflect my thoughts or to feel emotion.

Sitting on the side of the bed before getting dressed, I study my inner thighs. They are free of any scars; virgin territory, ripe to be violated, ripe to show blood, out of view from most except if I were to be familiar with a woman or hospitalized.

I know how to cut, which razor blade to use, where, how long the cut is to be, how deep. I hold my manhood in my left hand and with my right, cut at the soft spot, high up on my inner right thigh. The artist in me would make sure the cuts would take on a form, a visual story of the loss of my childhood and innocence. I clean the cut with hydrogen peroxide, holding a gauze pad in place with surgical tape to stem the bleeding, but not before taking a photo so that I can be constantly reminded of how awful my disease has become.   

Cutting once, starts a lifetime of cutting addiction, addiction like all my other addictions.

Online I find that there are options the afflicted use in place of cutting. Some use a rubber band on their wrist and snap it when the urge to cut arises. Some use red marker pens, or removable tattoo images. I have resisted, opting instead to write it out, getting it out of my system by using my creativity. Then of course there is Angel. Angel sits next to me on the bed, I spread my legs and run my hand up and down my inner thigh, stopping occasionally to touch myself at the special place.

“You want to do that, don’t you? You want to cut!” Angel whispers in my ear. “Do you have any other way to relieve the pain other than blood?” My hand moves slowly up and down my inner thigh, my mind I wanders off to a place that is quiet, I visualize the warm blood bubbling on the surface of the cuts. Time stops, my past evaporates, I live in a different world.

Blood spurted out of me and hit the urinal dead center. Seeing blood where piss should have been, brought me to my senses. I was passing a kidney stone; the process was taking weeks and was very painful. The night before, I spent trying to drown the pain with Tylenol and Oxycodone. The blood happened mid-morning at work. I drove to the ER and checked in for a second time in one week. I put on a hospital gown at their direction. I thought, will anyone see I cut? They did what they could for me, gave me more pain meds, said I was close to passing the stone. If I could persevere, it would soon pass. I went home and washed my stained underpants in the sink. I sat on the side of the bed, Angel joined me. There must be a better way, she said, blood is not the answer.

The stone passed slowly and painfully, I existed floating in a sea of pain meds. I pissed blood a few more times and then my urine cleared. The blood experience stayed in my mind; I realized I am obsessed with the idea of blood. I see passing the blood placates the Demons. Those obsessive feelings are normal for survivors; indeed, they are part and parcel of the disease. 

Online again, I looked at photos of people’s bodies who have been cutting. The pictures are alarming. I wondered why I consider cutting or any other method of self-harm. The online information indicated people who suffered sexual abuse are more likely to self-harm. Cutting allows me to express my pain. I would have a visual reminder of the pain which exists in my mind.

My inner thighs have been tingling for months now. I know the sensations are caused by subconscious thoughts of what went on between those thighs when I was a child. Those thighs that I hide from acquisitive eyes, those thighs that are begging to be cut, to appease the Demons.

I am amazed I have come this far and cannot put out the smoldering embers of the past. What is it within my mind that will not let the Demons die? The thought that I can be a whole person if I cut one time, if I give in to alcohol, if I masturbate, if I find a man or a woman to use. Will those activities take my mind off the constant reminders of my past?

What do I do? The constant intrusion of the nightmares and flashbacks make me feel that I am going insane.

There is one additional level of upset.

I learned to like and want the feelings and emotions generated by the constant arousal of living in my turbulent family setting. My need to be vigilant, my need for excitement, my desire for the constant production of adrenaline and cortisol generated by my reaction to my daily living circumstances as a child, became addictions of their own.

I bonded with my abusers. Any other life was not exciting for me. I was addicted to an adrenaline-fueled lifestyle, the cortisol. I witnessed the violence, betrayal, the unpredictable nature of daily life living with alcoholics. I became addicted to the constant exposure to adult sexuality. I learned to deal with the neglect, emotional rejection, and beatings. I not only tolerated and survived the abuse, I became addicted to it.  

I want my mother and father back. How could that be? My early life with them was a disaster, it was the only life I knew.

My life after leaving them, and my subsequent participation in a normal life, simply cannot cause the needed production of the addictive hormones. I have been in withdrawal ever since.

When survivors of combat experience return to normal life, they have difficulty fitting into a routine that doesn’t offer them the excitement they experienced every day in the war setting. They cannot get used to the pettiness, they need to face life-or-death encounters frequently.

Those who are survivors of child abuse, have the same reaction. I am incapable of feeling comfortable without a steady diet of adrenaline.

I see the choices I have made in my lifetime, flying, motorcycling, climbing, the challenges of creating a business and operating in the stock market; I am hooked on the adrenaline rush those activities provide.

I use addiction to cope with withdrawal from the everyday experience of endorphins in my bloodstream. In the past, alcohol and sex offset the depressions caused by the lack of excitement. I stopped drinking, I do not gamble, or chase men or women. I don’t use drugs, I am down to masturbating to find the necessary endorphins to give me relief. Down to masturbating that is, until I cut.

In the mornings, I awaken to remnants of dreams about cutting. I feel my thighs in the darkness to make sure there is no blood. It is a very serious problem.

I replace the thoughts of cutting with writing. Writing and masturbating hold off the demons for now.

In her blog, I Cut Myself: The Shame and Secrecy of Self-Harm, Natasha Tracy writes, "...people who have suffered sexual abuse are more likely to self-harm than those who haven't."

Some survivors know what has happened to them in the past. They are unable or unwilling to share their pain in words. They cannot tell. They cannot tell because it is too painful to describe, words will not do it service. I can write, I can write better than I can tell. I can draw and create pictures, which carry the same emotion as telling.

For me, the alternative for cutting is found in my ability to create.

Self-harm is different from suicide. I don’t intend to commit suicide, I contemplate self-harm as a way of avoiding suicide. After all, many other forms of addiction are simply a slow way to die. Alcohol, drugs, risky sexual engagement with strangers and risk-taking adventures place people in positions that can lead to death. I want to hold on to life long enough to find the answers, so I can be free of my past and live a life of happiness, love, and contentment. 

March 2017

Tell them what it is like to worry over your safety, to worry over being raped, beaten, humiliated. Tell them how your love for me makes everything okay. Tell them that we are one, fearful yes; but capable of resisting the demons. Fight them as you are, out maneuver them, out run them, defeat them.

Tell them in detail how you found some inner place of safety for your mind as circumstances compromised your physical self. Tell them how you divided your thoughts between those thoughts that would keep you going, and those thoughts that you must have to survive. Tell them how your wonderful dreams were in place to deflect the undesired abuse. Tell them about the boy and the girl.

Who can I tell?    

I kept my abusive past bottled up, I convinced myself it wasn’t bad. Only with professional help did I realize the extent of the severity of my abuse and who was responsible for it.

A recent front page headline in our local paper caught my eye. It concerned an investigation into a ring of adult men sexually abusing young boys. I only read part of it, the damage was done.

I developed a skin rash on my upper arms and inner thighs. My skin crawled and constantly reminded me of my past in the form of a long physical flashback. Some of my illnesses are psychosomatic. The rash was a reminder of unwanted physical contact as a child.

A close friend asked me how I was, she knew I was suffering with the rash, but thought it was just a temporary skin condition. Her concern reduced me to tears. I took the chance and told her about the recent article and how it propelled me into a temporary decline. That talk worked miracles for me, within a few days I was feeling much better. When I experienced my friends concern for me I knew it was a sign I could open about my past. I did not share the sorted details of the abuse, but I did say, the rash occurred because of the newspaper article about child abuse.

I don’t share my past readily, I know not to divulge my abusive past to just any friend. Many friends did not have those issues during their childhoods, they are unable and unwilling to understand them. Many may not want to see that life has very dark places.

I know that intrusive memories have a negative effect on my health. I experience breathing difficulties, have sleep problems, and get nightmares, flashbacks, headaches, and bouts of depression. I wish to stay away from getting wrapped up in the past. A great part of my recovery is my willingness to write about my experiences. I have this web site for my stories and this page for survivors. Initially it was my only way of releasing my pent up intrusive memories.

I express myself self in many ways. Writing, art and photography. Each piece of art has hidden meanings to me which release the demons circulating in my mind. More than that I have Angel.

Angel is with me every moment of the day and night. I can discuss anything with her. She does not judge me. Angel is my connection with the Universe. Recently I downloaded a free application onto my computer. This application converts typing to voice. I chose a pleasant woman’s voice who best represents how Angel would sound if she could speak to me directly. I type out her conversations with me. When I play her voice, I find insight into my problems, it is as if I am receiving divine guidance.

Angel sends me her sign

I am sending you my sign in the wind. A dry wind to cool you from the damp heat of late summer. You are concerned for the days are getting shorter. It is all a matter of your thoughts, as the days change so will the ideas you have, and what you work on. You are afraid you will become depressed. Let it happen if it must, then you can get over it and become productive again. Many artists get depressed and they can't work. You do not wish to be that way, you wish to have a regular and consistent work week. Do your art, then let it set so you can think about it.

My Future 

My future is based on the 'incredible' experiences I had and my ability to document them. They can be useful to me. I can use the experiences, emotions, and feelings from my past to create art, visual and written. 

It is possible to see the past differently: I see it now from the viewpoint of a witness, not a participant. Yes, all those events happened. Yes, I may not be able or want to recall the worst of the events that started my journey into the land of nightmares. Yes, and now by stepping away, the events become a story-board that I can build on while I continue my journey. 

My future is not my past. My future is today. The greatest help the past can be to me is the demonstration of the power of my will. My will to have a life that I could only imagine. My will to accept the errors that came from trying to create a future out of a past of chaos. 


Writing satisfies my creative need. Writing has helped me battle the demons and not succumb to self-abuse as a way of coping. Writing, and its companion reading, occupy my time, they use up the energy that fuels my reaction to the knowledge that I am different. 

I write on a computer or tablet. I can write about anything or nothing. 

In the past I made lists and random comments about what I thought was important. Looking back, I see how difficult my daily life was. I see the comments and lists had no relationship to what I was feeling. I was living a lie. The abuse I endured in my childhood changed the way my brain developed. 

I am aware of my need to steer myself to center, to avoid extremes and succumbing to addictions, not to obsess, and to find happiness where none exists. Writing opens up my new world; some call it an alternative reality. 

Learning to accommodate nightmares and flashbacks brings me comfort. I treat the demons as a chronic disease. I don’t fight the demons, I let Angel do that. 

Tonight the journey I take as I sleep should be easy. I am not anxious or afraid. I dream of the demons only when I have fear. Survivors live in fear much of the time: I can manage my fear, but not all the time. Tomorrow it may well up like an underground river. 

Grace - from me to you 

Some advice given to survivors of child abuse is simply wrong. For example: “If it doesn’t kill you, it makes you stronger." People who are abused will be compromised by their abuse. Their physical and mental health will be negatively affected. Their past will always be with them. Understanding the reality of your abuse will help you adjust your expectations of the future. Only then will you be stronger. 

Walking is good for your soul. Plan to walk ten to thirty minutes everyday. "Bless my soul I can do the stroll." 

Be aware that your thoughts effect your physical health. If your mind is in chaos, your body will be also. 

Abuse is poisonous. Avoiding the places and memories where the abuse took place is important for your safety. Still, if you can face the exact nature of the abuse you suffered and who was responsible for that abuse, you may be able to contrast your past with the realities of today - but, you must be careful when you spend time there. If you are no longer suffering abuse, looking at your past may help you see it for what was. 

We need to find out about ourselves, about our past, above all how we reacted to the abuse of our childhood, and how much of that abuse we bring into our daily lives. Then we must either make a decision to create a new life and grow, or to perpetuate the same sick chaotic emotional world that devastated our ability to have a productive, caring and loving life.

If you are troubled, getting through each day will require your attention. Attention to how you are feeling, attention to what is realistic. It is important to understand what you can reasonably expect to do, today. Today life will offer a few opportunities and many distractions - do only those things each day that are in your best interest. 

"All Human failures are the result of lack of love."                                  Alfred Adler

Survivors are looking for love, the same love that was unavailable to them when they needed it most - when they were children. The abuser uses sexual misconduct, which the child learned to be love. When the abuse ends, the survivor turns to sexual promiscuity, for that was the only definition of love he knew. Just as the sick love was hollow for the abuser, it was equally hollow for the survivor. Additionally, the survivor feels awful humiliation and guilt. 

Sometimes, when it is not too late, survivors find someone who guides them to the understanding of true love. Through that loving interchange, the survivor becomes capable of expressing true love and at that time, he begins to love himself.

The Power of Angel

Angel here. In a reflective mood. Watch out! Feathers are flying!

Today, I walk alongside my man - my human man. He's a man with the values of, Truthfulness, perseverance, compassion, love and gratitude. He is a good role model to his family and friends. And, he makes me laugh. Just now he is running down the road with his arms out making jet plane noises; don’t they ever grow up?

Strolling along, I wonder - does my human understand that my love for him is strong enough to tip the scales in favor of recovery?

I don't want him to slide back into the chaos of his past. Many survivors are trapped in a continuation of unhealthy habits that inhibit their recovery, or worse, prevent them from seeing that recovery is desirable and possible. In many cases, including his own, there are times when the work of recovery becomes greater than suffering the effects of the disease. Because recovery is such a long drawn out process, incremental improvements do not seem to come along frequently, discouragement is common, sliding back into chaos of the past, where life is at least familiar, is more comfortable than pursuing the goal of recovery.

We Angels understand that the stigma of growing up in an abusive environment; may prevent a survivor from looking for help and participating in programs that may lead them to understanding the disease and offer an alternative way of living based on the sound principals of recovery.

Humans, who have courageously decided that they can have a life of fulfillment, happiness, and loving relationships, have been given a unique, angelic opportunity.

Come and explore with me as my guy heals through our loving interchange of feelings, creativity, and knowledge.

The power of small choices                                                           April 2nd 2015

All progress to recovery is made by a series of small choices which either lead you along the path to recovery or send you back into the same dysfunctional routine. The amount of effort to make a choice is the same. Survivors may choose to make a choice that leads them on a new path even if it is not familiar. That simple change in the smallest of daily activities may alter the outcome of a survivors recovery in a positive way. Survival is there for the taking.

A life without compromise              June 20th 2015

Many survivors are able to lead a life without compromise. Never-the-less some survivors are stuck in the same old patterns and do not make meaningful recoveries.

The statistics are not good.  Only thirty percent of survivors go on to live a joyful life of love, productivity, and abundance.

If your loved one is a survivor,  and is struggling with the effects of the abuses from their childhood, you may help them by learning as much about their disease as possible. Although you may not be able to change the survivors attitude about the past, you may be able to offer hope, wisdom, and inspiration, so they can move on to a joyful future.

Coping with the disease of child abuse            June 23rd 2015

Survivors can take steps towards wellness by finding ways to cope with the disease of child abuse by using healing strategies, instead of harmful coping mechanisms. A new formula for finding healing and wellness can be found when survivors realize the damage addictions, anger, and self-abuse are doing to their physical and mental selves.

The long-term effects of suffering child abuse include unhealthy and frequent changes in weight, heart disease, diabetes, asthma, depression, addictions, as well as unhealthy romantic and physical relationships. The abused seldom know the difference between healthy and unhealthy coping mechanisms; instead, they perpetuate the same daily routine that led them into unhealthy habits in the first place.

When survivors come to the realization that they need to change in order to find happiness on a daily basis, then they can begin the path to recovery. This will require understanding the value of living a healthy life and stopping the unhealthy coping mechanisms.

To understand that value, survivors will need to talk about their circumstances with knowledgeable caring professionals, support groups, close friends, twelve-step sponsors, and loved ones. Many online forums are available for information and support from people already on the road to recovery from the disease. In this way, survivors will come to understand the nightmares, dreams, flashbacks and memories that terrorize them, do not have to be perpetual and that a way forward - is quite possible - into healthy relationships, lifestyles, and hope for happy daily living.


Coping strategies      6/23/15

Some of the coping strategies that many survivors use only provide a short term distraction from the painful memories of the past. While still a child or adolescent, the abused may cope with the actual abuse by temporarily going to a safer place within their minds. This strategy is a way of protecting the abused from the immediate emotional or physical damage being inflicted upon them at the time. Unfortunately, it is a short term solution only, and at some point later in life the survivor may suddenly have memories, flashbacks or nightmares of an intensity that equals the original abuse and seem to come out of nowhere leading the survivor to feel that they are going insane.

Coping strategies may include a various mix of denial, drinking, smoking, excessive masturbation, drugs, promiscuous sexual liaisons, eating disorders, self-abuse such as cutting, hiding, running away or living on the street. In order to find a sense of community or belonging, the abused may join gangs or form attachments to other people who themselves may have never found a way out of the quagmire of abuse. The abused may subject themselves to ever increasing forms of self-abuse or abuse by others in order to feel something - anything - other than the emptiness that permeates their daily existence.

Since the abused cannot differentiate between healthy, supportive, loving relationships and unhealthy, dependent relationships, they may gravitate to friends or partners who constantly perpetuate the abusive cycle. If they have been sexually abused prior to adulthood, they may not be able to have an understanding of, or separate the need for, love from sexual activity, leading to many dysfunctional and unsatisfactory relationships with lovers or finding solace in same sex relationships without the real understanding of the survivor’s true sexual identity.

The more information survivors have about their abusive childhood experiences, the better equipped the survivor will be in surviving the long-term effects of the abuse.

Information is available on the Internet by searching keywords such as “child abuse" or "survivors of child abuse.” Articles have been published for adult survivors and Internet groups have started password-protected sites so that survivors can feel safe expressing their concerns in chat rooms or receiving insight from other survivors.

Information on Adverse Childhood Experiences and questionnaires, which enable survivors to understand the extent of their childhood abuse and its effect on the quality of their lives, may lead them to an understanding of the cost of the past abuse to their physical health and what symptoms to be on alert for as they get older.

A Jail of Guilt and A bed of Shame                                                                      September 2015

I had to wait until I was five to be prosecuted for the possession of guilt. They told me before that age that I was too young to be guilty. The trial was short; I was found guilty and sentenced to life in the Prison-of-Guilt.

Many were in the prison; each had their own cells, which were large square rooms with grey floors. The Prison was placed in the center of an expanse of woods populated during the night with demons to keep the prisoners from escaping. I was allowed out during the day to join the millions of other children playing in the world of insanity. Oh! And yes - one other thing - there was no roof; when I lay in my room, I could see the sky and a route to freedom, if I could only find a way.

It so happened that before I was born my mother promised me to God; I came into the world with God’s angel for protection. Angel could not protect me from the guilt, for that was a private matter; the two of us lived within the prison of guilt until I was fifteen. 

A new situation arose when the authorities prosecuted me for the possession of Shame. I was sentenced to a concurrent life term to be served out at night by sleeping on the bed of Shame. The Bed of Shame was very old and had been in the family for centuries, so it was stained from the activities of life. I didn’t care for the stains; I slept with my Angel on the floor. It was then when Angel and I looked up through the open roof and formulated a plan to escape from the Prison-of-Guilt and the Bed-of-Shame.

The plan was simple. Every night Angel and I would fly out of the prison and sleep above the world in a safe place in the heavens. Every night I would dream of a new life in a place called Love. Each dream of love was carefully preserved until I could use them to make a new life. There were enough dreams left over to make a new, unstained bed. The dreams of love were carefully pieced together with Gratitude. In this way we constructed our new home of Love and Gratitude.

At the end of one of our night flights, we simply did not go back to prison. The authorities looked for us, and when we were found, they came to seize us and make us return to prison, but the construction of our house of love and gratitude was so strong that we were able to resist them; they gave up and left us to ourselves.

We are now living our lives in the house of love - free of guilt and shame. On any dark and starry night, look up into the heavens and find our home - in the Milky Way - high overhead.


Abused children suffer from guilt and shame. Some are never able to reconcile their participation in the abuse; they are hostage to feelings of guilt and shame. Without the ability to forgive, they cannot find love. Without having gratitude for their survival, they cannot arise from the Bed of Shame and break free from the Prison of Guilt.